25 Tips for the Perfect Valentine's Day!

I know that women don't wanna hear something like this, but I really don't believe in Valentine's Day. I just think it's a ploy made by society to stimulate the economy by making men think that they're somehow assholes for not showering their women with meaningless gifts like flowers that are gonna die in a week, a stuffed animal that's only gonna end up upside down under the bed and chocolate that will make our asses look like feta cheese pounded with cookie dough (I don't know what that means either).

But that's OK, because isn't growing fat together the true sign of love? But the way I see it, I don't need a nationally designated day to pick up my slack and cram, in hopes of showing you how much I care. I bring bring my girl gifts, take her out, cook for her, make her laugh, love her and care for her as much as I can for every single day of the year. So I'm sorry if I don't feel the need to join in with the rest of the slacker men, bringing their women the moon, one day out of the year, thinking that it'll make up for the 364 day's of half assing it.

Don't you remember? I brought you the moon too..yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and on and on and on. And I'll keep bringing you the moon because I don't need no stupid ass "Valentine's Day" to tell me when I should treat my woman special. It's like the tortoise and the hare: slow and steady wins the race.

So please ladies, take "Valentine's Day" off of the ridiculously high pedestal you have it on. It's OK to be single on this day. It's OK to stay home with your significant other to cook and call it a movie night. It's just another day.

But if you folks decide to go out to a nice restaurant, to a concert, trip to Paris, skydiving, skinny dipping, or all of the above, that's great too. You need to spend that quality time together even if it's just for one day. And with that, I leave the fellas with tips that go above and beyond and will GUARANTEE that this will be a day that your lady will never forget! =)

1. When you take her out and she asks how she looks, shrug and say, "Could be better". This will keep her on her toes and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. But if she grabs your hand, squeeze it really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs: they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say, "You'd better be". Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. If she gets upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement and every girl needs some sort of improvement.

6. Recognize the small things because they usually mean the most. Then when she's not looking, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry is for pussies....and old asian ladies.

7. Talk to another girl and make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words, "F*#k you" and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner and make sure you drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...Because I can..."

9. If you bump into people you know, make sure to introduce her as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD. You know what I mean...

11. If it's cold out, be sure to warm her up. But not by giving her your jacket, then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things...like basketball.

15. Spit...Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. If you go over to her house, steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take ONE of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. If you DO decide to take her out to dinner, right when shes about to order, interrupt and say that she's not hungry. Then make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

21. Titty twisters...and plenty of them.

22. If you're listening to music and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

23. Be sure to NOT get her a present. This will teach her that material objects aren't important and that the only thing that IS important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. For romantic suspense, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her that when you call, youre going to tell her a special surprise that will kick off the epic eve ts that you've planned on this special day. Now she'll be really excited. Now dont call.

25. And finally, when she gives you a present (because if she knows any better, she will), be sure to take it and tell her you love it. Then next trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.

These steps can be applied to your relationship year around. So take it, live by it, and let the good times roll! Happy Valentine's Day!

*Disclaimer: Conrad Lihilihi takes no responsibility for the repercussions suffered if these tips are followed to the T. Blame your own dumb ass.